How strange is it to be anything at all

19. Gino. Sydney.

Time is so finite. My 20s have just started but I feel it’s too late. I’ve missed out on opportunities and experiences though I know fixating on them is futile. I am busy these holidays and at the same time I’m not. I choose to be busy. I keep myself busy. I tell myself this is a good thing. I like having plans and direction. 2 tracks are almost done and I’m actually satisfied with them. The future scares me. I find myself more and more apathetic with IT. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Today I was exceptionally anxious. I blamed it on the energy drink I drank but in reality I think its just plain anxiety. I feel worse and worse every year but I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. The positive (in my opinion) direction outweighs the boring contentment I once felt. There’s more to life than university. I’d like to think there’s more to life than blind hedonism.  I tell myself a lot of things. I hope I know what I should listen to and ignore. A lot of things make me sad. Perhaps sad is a poor choice of words. I don’t know how to phrase it. Aware? Pensive. I was very high on a road and noticed bus stops. Everything exists. It’s so overwhelming. I read a draft I was working on and my words still ring true. To a lesser degree from when I wrote them perhaps but still true. May was blurry. I still feel sad. My best friend (closest friend) is leaving for two years. I owe him a lot. An outsider may consider him a bad influence given drugs, drinking. Morality isn’t determined by these things, right? I have so much to say. I know some would listen and maybe appreciate these ramblings but I’ve resorted to an inanimate object. I said I missed certain feelings and it’s true. “Does this look like getting over you?” Memories fool me sometimes. A lot maybe. How I remember things isn’t exactly how things were. I always do this. I feel inadequate a lot of the time. Self-loathing narcissism as I call it. I’m constantly trying to improve at what I do. Are we all just looking for validation?  I need a new perspective. I wonder sometimes why I do what I do. If I am just drifting along my life, merely tapping on the windows and occasionally having a breath of fresh air. The sun is going to rise soon. I still have a lot to say. I always have a lot to say. 

nyhx:

nyhx:

a snap shot of the large wall tank at the aquarium/zoo where i work

out of all the photos i’ve taken this is by far my favorite, i swear it was by pure luck that it came out this way

nyhx:

nyhx:

a snap shot of the large wall tank at the aquarium/zoo where i work

out of all the photos i’ve taken this is by far my favorite, i swear it was by pure luck that it came out this way